The Tug-of-War We Don’t See

Life often looks like a tug-of-war between two forces: those who demand and those who give in to demands. At first glance, it seems like a simple dynamic – the powerful and the passive. But if we pause and look closer, we see a more subtle truth: both positions are shaped by the same underlying fear.

Those who demand often do so from a place of scarcity, insecurity, or the need to control. Their demands can be a mask for their own unmet needs. And those who give in to demands often do so out of fear of conflict, fear of rejection, or a belief that their worth is tied to keeping others happy. Their compliance can be a mask for their own unmet needs too.

Beyond Good or Bad

Neither side is inherently “good” or “bad.” Both are reactive postures rather than intentional choices. Demanding and giving in are two ways of outsourcing power. In one, we try to take it. In the other, we hand it over.

When we can see this clearly, the labels dissolve. It’s no longer about “who’s right” or “who’s wrong” but about where we are operating from. Are we acting from fear or from self-respect? From control or from choice?

The Third Space: Self-Awareness

The invitation here isn’t to switch sides — to become the demander if you’ve always complied, or to become compliant if you’ve always demanded. The invitation is to step out of the tug-of-war altogether. To recognize when you are operating from compulsion rather than choice. To ask yourself:

• Am I trying to control, or am I trying to avoid?

• Am I moving from fear, or from self-respect?

• What would this situation look like if I were acting from my own grounded truth rather than reaction?

When we stop demanding and stop giving in, we begin to engage with life from a third space – self-awareness. From that space, boundaries and requests become clear but not coercive. We don’t push or collapse. We stand.

Reflection Prompt

Think about a recent situation where you either made a demand or gave in to one. What would it have felt like to respond from grounded self-awareness instead?

The real question isn’t “Which are you?” The real question is, “Who are you when you stop playing the game of demand?”