Over the years, I’ve realized that many of my failed relationships weren’t because of a lack of love, attraction, or effort. They unraveled because I wasn’t clear on the difference between what was negotiable and what was non-negotiable.
When we enter relationships without clarity, we can end up trading away pieces of ourselves we can’t afford to lose. Or, we cling so tightly to our non-negotiables that there’s no room left for the other person’s humanness. Either way, the foundation cracks.
What’s Negotiable
Negotiables are the areas where compromise is healthy, even necessary. These are the daily decisions and lifestyle preferences that allow flexibility:
What side of the bed you sleep on.
Whether you like the thermostat a little warmer or cooler.
Whose family you spend the holidays with this year.
Who takes out the trash or makes the grocery run.
Negotiables are not about abandoning yourself – they’re about practicing flexibility for the sake of connection. When handled with respect, negotiables can actually strengthen a relationship by teaching patience, adaptability, and teamwork.
What’s Non-Negotiable
Non-negotiables, on the other hand, are the values and boundaries that are core to who you are. These are the parts of yourself that, if compromised, leave you resentful, depleted, or lost. Examples might include:
Mutual respect and honesty.
Emotional or physical safety.
Faithfulness or exclusivity (if that matters to you).
Shared vision for parenting, lifestyle, or core beliefs.
Space for your individuality and personal growth.
The danger comes when we treat a non-negotiable as if it’s negotiable. Every time we override one of these deep boundaries, we erode our own integrity. Over time, resentment builds until either we leave or the relationship breaks under the weight of unspoken truths.
Why It Matters to Be Clear
When two people come together, there will always be friction. The question isn’t whether you’ll disagree – it’s whether you know what is safe to bend on, and what cannot be compromised.
If you go into a relationship without this awareness, you risk either giving up too much of yourself or demanding the other person bend in places that violate their core. And from my experience, once you are forced to negotiate on your non-negotiables, things don’t go well.
A Self-Check Before You Enter a Relationship
List Your Core Values – What absolutely must exist for you to feel safe, loved, and authentic?
Name Your Boundaries – Where is your hard stop? What are the lines that, if crossed, would end the relationship?
Identify Your Flex Points – Where are you willing to compromise, adapt, or share middle ground?
Communicate Them Early – Don’t wait until years into a relationship to voice your truth. It’s easier to be clear in the beginning than to untangle resentment later.
Final Thought
Relationships are living, breathing spaces where two worlds overlap. The strength of that overlap depends on knowing yourself – what you can flex on, and what you cannot. Your negotiables keep the relationship adaptable. Your non-negotiables keep it authentic. Both are necessary.
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