Shame
Shame: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by consciousness of wrong or foolish behaviour.
Humiliated: make (someone) feel ashamed and foolish by injuring their self-respect, especially publicly.
Today I could no longer distract myself from the deeply held accumulation of shame. It was so overpowering that all I could think was that I wanted to be done with this life. Not in the sense of wanting to personally end my life, but to be done with life. I had a very deep desire to drift off into the permanent sleep state we refer to as death.
This depleting, life sucking demon was drawing from my Life Force Energy and leaving me with little to work with. A parasite for certain.
Parasite: an organism that lives in or on an organism of another species (its host) and benefits by deriving nutrients at the other’s expense.
I then sat and wrote out each and every ‘shame on you’ I remember having experienced in life. I wrote page after page realizing that I was seeing a massive colony. A colony of shame that was depleting my source of energy. An energy source required for living a full life, yet shame was living my life. Shame was running my thoughts, my emotions, my body, my life. And then I felt ashamed.
I had to name and claim this parasite for what it is and what it was doing in my life. Shame is an emotion (energy in motion), when understood, can be a great help in one’s life. Yet, in my experience, it was weaponized and from my misunderstanding what it is, I unknowingly allowed it to attach itself to me and my life choices.
The language shame uses is various and can be tricking to see. It can be seen in areas, relationships, as well as thinking that has you believing you are lesser than.
Here are just a few of the ‘shame on you’s’ that I wrote (this is only but a fraction of what I wrote).
Shame on you for disappointing God…and your parents, and your family, and your community and your church. Shame on you for acting inappropriately. Shame on you for not doing enough, being enough, having enough. Shame on you for not being right-ous. Shame on you for being wrong. Shame on you for not living by all of God’s rules and laws. Shame on you for taking too much, for wanting too much, for needing too much. Shame on you for not knowing. Shame on you for not acting like a girl should act. Shame on you for not being a better daughter, sister, mother, grandmother, friend, servant, employee, spouse,…etc. Shame on you for drinking coffee & wine. Shame on you for getting tattoos. Shame on you for expecting to be treated as if you are special. Shame on you for wanting it your way. Shame on not wanting it the way I want it. Shame on you that you challenge those who are in authority and are more educated than you. Shame on you for not getting a good enough education. Shame on you for dropping out of school. Shame on you for not telling me. Shame on you for being a tattler. Shame on you for making me mad, sad,…(fill in the blank). Shame on you for not knowing what I need and expect from you. Shame on you for failing the test. Shame on you for having an opinion, perspective other than what’s God’s. Shame on you for being broken. Shame on you for not fixing me. Shame on you for not accepting my abusive treatment of you. Shame on you for not forgiving me when I want it. Shame on you for thinking you know what is best for yourself. Shame on you for thinking you know what is best for me. Shame on you for not being who you should be by my standards and wanting me to have a relationship with ‘you’.
SHAME on ‘YOU’.
And then I wonder why I pretty much feel ashamed every day, all day.
And I now understand that all ‘lesser than’ or ‘not enough’ emotions utilize themselves to keep them trapped in your mind. This is what I mean.
“Shame on you for feeling shame” – BAM!!! The perfect trapped.
You live what you know…and I know shame. And I have lived it and passed it on.
And now that I know the parasite that has taken up residence in my life, I am now able to find the right antidote to strengthen my Life Force Energy with diligent focused habits that serve me, not the parasite. In feeding myself the nutrients required to live a fulfilled, alive life, I will eventually starve this parasite colony of shame down to its proper size. For our physical bodies to be strong and healthy we require a certain amount of parasites, and we will need a healthy amount of the emotion of shame to help keep us mentally and emotionally healthy, which will be reflected in the health of the body.
I have come to learn that emotions cannot be stopped, they can only be suppressed or expressed. How we suppress or express them is reflected in our understanding of the role they play within our unique electrical, magnetic energy systems. Emotions = energy of information in motion. What story does your emotions tell and is it the story you want?
Now let us find balance in our relationships with each and every emotion so we can write our own stories.
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